Smarter Emotions & Kinder Thinking

©Peter Futschik: Frame from the video "Skye's Fall From Grace".

Have any of you experienced a frightening incident whilst riding a horse or a motorbike? If you have then you know that it happens so quickly that your instincts simply take over. No fear. That comes afterwards when there is time to think and feel about what just happened.

A 500 kilo animal with hindquarters as powerful as most 4 cylinder cars can react in an instant swinging itself around and if we are in the wrong place connect as it goes. One kick released in fear can kill us unintentionally.

Our horse companions can be our best teachers. To co-exist we must step up and not only regulate our own emotions better so that we become effective leaders we must also harness our ability to think kindly so that we understand each of our equine friends sufficiently to lead them. To keep them and ourselves safe. We must become smarter in regulating our emotions and kinder in our thinking about how to lead. These are translatable skills at work and home.

Skye's Fall From Grace

It was a normal day, about 9 months after I had started riding Skye, my young 17 hand grey warmblood mare. There was no wind or loud noises. I always enjoyed hopping up into the saddle and feeling the warmth and strength of her powerful body. After only a short time we just stopped, well Skye stopped. And planted her front feet.

"My polite and then more pointed aids (legs, reins, voice) requesting forward were ignored. This was a warning (napping) sign I failed to read adequately. However I knew my horse. Skye was asking me to dismount. She was feeling pressured, overwhelmed even. I was instructed by my coach to keep kicking her. I didn't want to.

There comes a point when you need to be prepared to challenge your coach's instruction. This should have been the day. I relented and kicked her once too often.

I was feeling conflicted emotions, caught, even trapped, between what my horse needed at that moment and what my instructor ordered. The effect of this was to put me in limbo unable to respond appropriately to the danger.

Skye reacted to her instinctive powerful emotions and went up; not only rearing but also falling over backwards (that's me holding on valiantly) I am grateful that she landed only on my right leg when we went down and that we missed the arena fence.

At first all I could feel was relief that I had survived and soon after fear that I owned a dangerous horse. I spent the afternoon in hospital with a possible crush injury. Her sheer size and power magnified the outcome.

My own complex emotional reactions to this experience progressed from pessimism: fear, anger, blame, frustration (Skye's fall from Grace) to smarter emotions (empathy, compassion, acceptance) that she had not had her emotional needs met at the time.

Initially I saw no option other than to give up on her. My pessimistic feelings and thoughts led to me seeing no solutions about how to solve the problem - a dangerous horse.

I felt conflicted and terrified of riding her again after such an explosive reaction. However eventually instead of thinking that Skye had wanted to hurt me and never wanted me to ride her again, I came to understand that her reaction (behaviour) was due to her overwhelming emotions of feeling trapped and the need for release of the pressure she was experierncing.

It took me time to clarify this problem and then a humility and openness to seek out more experienced horse people. Producing a feelings quilt helped me to better understand my feelings and how they interacted together. I enlisted the expertise of several leading horse trainers who worked with her over the next 12 months. I also fortunate to find an expert rider, Daniel Jones who saw her potential and rode her for 6 months. However she was my horse and ultimately I was responsible for her wellbeing. I brought her home about 18 months ago.

Realistic Optimism

I would have to change the way I thought and felt about my dilemma. All I wanted was my old horse back before the fateful day that Skye became a "dangerous horse". That was not possible. Horses have the capacity for a strong memory of emotions. We had crossed the line and couldn't easily get back.

What I did know for sure was that I needed a change of heart and realistic optimism mindset to believe that one day I would step back up into the saddle. Yet I also had to accept that I might not succeed.

I couldn't wait for success to fall into my lap I had to go ahead without it.

The final piece of the puzzle was that I had to commit to being Skye's leader. Day in day out. And hold hope in my heart that we would get there together. No delegation possible.

At that time I knew that I did not have the knowledge, skill or even the will to get back on my horse.

My challenges involved Skye's temperament, previous training and trainers, my riding knowledge and skill and our emotional, physical and thinking dyad (the combination of both of us). I had to become a better rider, a better thinker and feeler.

I had to become smarter in feeling my emotions and reading Skye's emotions and kinder in thinking about how to lead Skye. And I had to change the way I behaved as a horseperson. I realised that rather than adopt a more forceful approach with her I needed to think more kindly towards her! To observe her closely, to give her permission to be herself whilst setting non-negotiable boundaries about her behaviour on the ground. Seek first to understand as Covey teaches us.

My best teacher however was one of my NDIS clients who after a few months of working together would ask me at the beginning of each of our fortnightly session "Have you been kind to Skye this week?" A deceptively simple question. However I realised that to answer her question truthfully I would need to embrace humility and admit that on occasions I has not been kind in thinking about and handling my 17 hand Irish Warmblood horse.

I searched google on topics such as "Does my horse like me?" and found a helpful blog from Julie Goodnight. I put her quote on the fridge: "What horses want the most is security and comfort.

1. They love things that make them feel safe, like clear rules & expectations

2. Consistency

3. Strong leadership.

They love to rest, to be praised for a job well done and when you take the pressure off." These became my guiding set of principles.

Back on my horse.

Here's me on Skye in June 2021 just before my hip operation.

All you expert riders try not to notice her head position and the length of the stirrups. Sure there's room for improvement!

The point is we got there. In future blogs I will share more of our journey.

By facing into my challenge to become smarter in how I felt about my relationship with Skye and to become kinder in how I thought about and related to her I was able to break through our stalemate and to re-negotiate our working partnership, our dyad.

Sometimes it is not enough being a kind thinker we also have to become a smarter feeler. The journey continues

Achieve Your Potential

We can translate this approach, to thinking and feeling, to our workplace and home. The key aim of Core EQ is to encourage you to to become more insightful, content and effective in your daily life. To achieve your potential by appreciating and harnessing your unique package of practical knowledge, skills and insights .

With or without a horse!

Dr Deb 29 August 2021